Now That’s What I Call 1984!

Big Brother has taken to making off the cuff remarks on Twitter which has concerned some Inner Party members.

Without turning it into a partisan argument, The United States of America is headed at breakneck speed into its fascist, totalitarian phase. “Brave New World” author Aldous Huxley, upon reading George Orwell’s “1984,” wrote the sourpuss English journalist to inform him that his bleak near-future novel was better.

Whether the USA does the hot pants, drugs and promiscuous sex regime of “Brave New World” (fervent prayer) or the dingy, broken-down hellscape of “1984” (meh) is an argument for another day. For the purposes of this column, we will assume that the United States, with it’s proud history of Puritanical sex hating, will go the “1984” route.

“They didn’t even take me to Room 101 for my torture.”

It won’t work. Americans are too entitled. And not the “I want health insurance and coal-free water” kind of entitled. The bad kind of entitled. Our foray into an authoritarian police state will be disastrous, and quite honestly, just not as memorable as “1984.” It will be more like “Now That’s What I Call 1984” or “I Can’t Believe It’s Not 1984.”

Here are testimonials from the disgruntled, oppressed masses.

“I didn’t even get taken to Room 101 for my torture. They just did it in the lobby at the Ministry of Love. It just seemed like they were kind of phoning it in. And I’m not even really that afraid of rats. It’s spiders that get me.”

— Winston S.

“The television in my apartment that blares nonstop propaganda broke, and I was told by the repair company that I had to be home between 9 a.m. and 13 o’clock. That’s just not acceptable. I work at the Ministry of Truth, and my boss is a real jerk. He said if I’m late again, he will erase my existence. So not happy.”

— Julia (last initial withheld)

“To put it simply, John Bear is an asshole. He’s taken my work and made a complete mockery of it.”

“In school, they teach us to turn our parents over to the Thought Police if we think they are subversive. I don’t know what subversive means, but I turned my mom in after she took away my iPhone because I failed my vocabulary test.”

— Todd J.

“I went down to the Whole Foods for some of those Eurasian pears I love so much. The guy in the produce section told me that they don’t sell Eurasian pears because Eurasia is and has always been our enemy. On a lighter note, I got a great deal on some Eastasian plums, which apparently they have always carried. I just never saw them before.”

— Jane D.

“Who does this Big Brother guy think he is anyway. Show yourself in public, coward!!!! #NotMyDictator”

— @Emmanuel_Goldstein

“I’m hearing a lot of enemies of the state were at today’s Two Minute Hate. Losers!!! #MakeOceaniaGreatAgain”

— @TheRealBigBrother