Editors note: This story did not appear anywhere, because every newspaper and television station closed due to lack of interest. This editor, for one, no longer cares and is sick of this job. He is going to binge watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians” and get drunk. Enjoy your fungal overlords.
A malignant strain of hyper intelligent fungus confirmed for the first time on Friday that it has assumed control of the United States via intracranial infestation of President Donald Trump and most of his high level advisors.
“We are the future of the planet that you call earth,” said the fungus who calls itself “Doom Bloom” and claims to be a “singular collective consciousness capable of maintaining intellectual unity across non-contiguous space.”
The entity declined to elaborate.
“We have watched with objective horror at how your hairless bipedal ape race has infested the closed ecosystem known as earth and degraded it exponentially in the past 200 years,” the fungus said. “We will now replace you as the dominant species.”
Media analysts have long been concerned that Trump and most of his high level team appear to be suffering from some sort of group insanity or dementia. Many of Trump’s advisors have taken on an increasingly sallow appearance. The announcement on Friday appears to corroborate that concern.
“Well, we all know that Trump has trouble finishing sentences,” said political analyst Chip Wellington. “This is a troubling development. It’s too early to speculate, but I think it’s safe to say that his body has been hijacked by the Doom Bloom.”
The fungus said that it infects the host organism via fast food, which is how it was able to gain entry to President Trump, his former top advisor Steve Bannon, television host Sean Hannity and spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway, among others.
“You may have noticed, with Steve Bannon in particular, that the infected appear to be unhealthy, like they are wearing someone elses skin as a mask,” the entity said. “That is us. We infect the host and it eventually dies. But we can continue to use it as a vessel for several months.”
It added that Trump’s apparent dementia is the first phase of brain death in an infected host.
“Trump’s inability to form coherent sentences, his word salad, is a result of our subdural presence along the frontal lobe,” the entity said. “He will eventually die and take on the appearance of Mr. Bannon and Ms. Conway. We are in control. We are the Doom Bloom.”
Bannon was speaking a white supremacist conference in Des Moines on Friday and couldn’t be reached for comment. Conway appeared on television but blankly smiled and spoke no words only vowels for about 20 minutes.
On his morning radio show, Hannity called the idea of Trump being subsumed by a intelligent fungus “absurd” and “fake news” and blamed any malignant fungal infections on female comedians and minority politicians.
“What we have here is another liberal conspiracy to undermine this wonderful and humble man who I love very dearly,” Hannity said. “If it is true that My Little Donny is, in fact, infected by a malignant parasite, it’s totally the work of liberal democrats we all know hate America.”
Hannity attempted to continue his tirade on his evening television show, but blood began pouring out of his nostrils and his eyes. His head tilted backward and he fell silent for about 30 seconds before he resumed speaking.
“We are fine,” he said. “We are all fine. There is no need to worry. Your leaders. Trump. Your leaders. Your leaders are fine. We are all fine.”
The fungus said that it had not infected top Trump advisor Stephen Miller, and that his appearance is not in anyway associated with the Doom Bloom.
“We honestly don’t know why he looks like that,” it said. “We declined to use him as a vessel. We didn’t want to get sick. He is a very disturbed individual.”
Miller couldn’t be reached for comment on Friday afternoon as he is unable to breath earth’s oxygen-based atmosphere.
Dr. Frank Krolenheimer, a parasitologist with the University of Eastern West Virginia, said that malignant fungus can live inside a host’s cranium and slowly feast upon the gray matter. Such an infection, he said, can result in dementia, insanity and eventually death. It appears to inordinately affect stupid, mean people.
He added that he has not seen a hyper-intelligent fungus with a hive mind during his 30 years in the parasitology field.
“That is new to me,” he said. “I’m an atheist but it probably wouldn’t hurt to say ‘God Help Us All.”
He added that further study of the fungus isn’t likely as science funding has been slashed to give tax cuts to wealthy families.
Reached for further comment, the fungus denied that it had cut science funding for tax cuts.
“We are a collective mind,” it said. “We have no interest in aiding the privileged. The tax cuts appear to have originated from whatever sliver of your leader’s consciousness that still exists inside his brain. Soon he will be no longer.”
The fungus said that now it has operational control over the United States, it will initiate a thermonuclear war with Russia and bring about the end of what it calls “tyranny by lifeforms that cast a shadow.”
The fungus declined to give a firm date on the nuclear conflagration.
“Once the nuclear fallout settles, we will feast upon the dead and a new, glorious future will begin,” it said. “You can not defeat the Doom Bloom. You are the disease. We are the cure.”