Malignant fungus: We are in control

mush
The Doom Bloom announced on Friday that it has assumed control of the Trump administration

Editors note: This story did not appear anywhere, because every newspaper and television station closed due to lack of interest. This editor, for one, no longer cares and is sick of this job. He is going to binge watch “Keeping up with the Kardashians” and get drunk. Enjoy your fungal overlords.

A malignant strain of hyper intelligent fungus confirmed for the first time on Friday that it has assumed control of the United States via intracranial infestation of President Donald Trump and most of his high level advisors.

“We are the future of the planet that you call earth,” said the fungus who calls itself  “Doom Bloom” and claims to be a “singular collective consciousness capable of maintaining intellectual unity across non-contiguous space.”

The entity declined to elaborate.

“We have watched with objective horror at how your hairless bipedal ape race has infested the closed ecosystem known as earth and degraded it exponentially in the past 200 years,” the fungus said. “We will now replace you as the dominant species.”

Media analysts have long been concerned that Trump and most of his high level team appear to be suffering from some sort of group insanity or dementia. Many of Trump’s advisors have taken on an increasingly sallow appearance. The announcement on Friday appears to corroborate that concern.

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Former presidential advisor Steve Bannon

“Well, we all know that Trump has trouble finishing sentences,” said political analyst Chip Wellington. “This is a troubling development. It’s too early to speculate, but I think it’s safe to say that his body has been hijacked by the Doom Bloom.”

The fungus said that it infects the host organism via fast food, which is how it was able to gain entry to President Trump, his former top advisor Steve Bannon, television host Sean Hannity and spokeswoman Kellyanne Conway, among others.

“You may have noticed, with Steve Bannon in particular, that the infected appear to be unhealthy, like they are wearing someone elses skin as a mask,” the entity said. “That is us. We infect the host and it eventually dies. But we can continue to use it as a vessel for several months.”

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He’s not just being mean, it turns out. He’s been overtaken by malignant fungus.

It added that Trump’s apparent dementia is the first phase of brain death in an infected host.

“Trump’s inability to form coherent sentences, his word salad, is a result of our subdural presence along the frontal lobe,” the entity said. “He will eventually die and take on the appearance of Mr. Bannon and Ms. Conway. We are in control. We are the Doom Bloom.”

Bannon was speaking a white supremacist conference in Des Moines on Friday and couldn’t be reached for comment. Conway appeared on television but blankly smiled and spoke no words only vowels for about 20 minutes.

On his morning radio show, Hannity called the idea of Trump being subsumed by a intelligent fungus “absurd” and “fake news” and blamed any malignant fungal infections on female comedians and minority politicians.

“What we have here is another liberal conspiracy to undermine this wonderful and humble man who I love very dearly,” Hannity said. “If it is true that My Little Donny is, in fact, infected by a malignant parasite, it’s totally the work of liberal democrats we all know hate America.”

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Sean Hannity (Orwell reference)

Hannity attempted to continue his tirade on his evening television show, but blood began pouring out of his nostrils and his eyes. His head tilted backward and he fell silent for about 30 seconds before he resumed speaking.

“We are fine,” he said. “We are all fine. There is no need to worry. Your leaders. Trump. Your leaders. Your leaders are fine. We are all fine.”

The fungus said that it had not infected top Trump advisor Stephen Miller, and that his appearance is not in anyway associated with the Doom Bloom.

“We honestly don’t know why he looks like that,” it said. “We declined to use him as a vessel. We didn’t want to get sick. He is a very disturbed individual.”

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Yeah, it’s a lazy Stephen Miller joke but he ain’t worth the effort.

Miller couldn’t be reached for comment on Friday afternoon as he is unable to breath earth’s oxygen-based atmosphere.

Dr. Frank Krolenheimer, a parasitologist with the University of Eastern West Virginia, said that malignant fungus can live inside a host’s cranium and slowly feast upon the gray matter. Such an infection, he said, can result in dementia, insanity and eventually death. It appears to inordinately affect stupid, mean people.

He added that he has not seen a hyper-intelligent fungus with a hive mind during his 30 years in the parasitology field.

“That is new to me,” he said. “I’m an atheist but it probably wouldn’t hurt to say ‘God Help Us All.”

He added that further study of the fungus isn’t likely as science funding has been slashed to give tax cuts to wealthy families.

Reached for further comment, the fungus denied that it had cut science funding for tax cuts.

“We are a collective mind,” it said. “We have no interest in aiding the privileged. The tax cuts appear to have originated from whatever sliver of your leader’s consciousness that still exists inside his brain. Soon he will be no longer.”

The fungus said that now it has operational control over the United States, it will initiate a thermonuclear war with Russia and bring about the end of what it calls “tyranny by lifeforms that cast a shadow.”

The fungus declined to give a firm date on the nuclear conflagration.

“Once the nuclear fallout settles, we will feast upon the dead and a new, glorious future will begin,” it said. “You can not defeat the Doom Bloom. You are the disease. We are the cure.”

mc
The future belongs to the Doom Bloom.
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The continuing adventures of Jesus Christ! Dragon Slayer: Wedding Cake for Jimmy Ray and Bobby Lee.

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Good Christian Folk: Rejoice!

The United States Supreme Court today — by ruling that bakers don’t have to sell cakes to same sex couples — affirmed your values. Keep you heads high and beam with pride. Feel the love of your Father shine down upon you. 

Don’t feel sad, brother or sister, when people call you Christian Fascist, Bigot, A Detriment to the Advancement of Humanity or, quite simply, a Not Very Nice Person. You know you believed the right thing. The Lake of Fire awaits those who feel otherwise.

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Congratulations, Christian Fascists, you’ve kept cake safe. Good for you!

I recall a janitor at a newspaper I worked at in Oklahoma. He was a portly fellow, with crooked teeth in the advance stages of decay. He was disgusting, really, and he was in a longterm, loving relationship with another fellow who was equally fat, gross and soon-to-be missing most of his teeth through dental neglect. It was beautiful. 

I was slow coming around on the gay wedding cake thing. When the issue first came up, my response was “Just go to another bakery.” Sometimes my initial reaction is a little off, and I engage in what I like to call thinking which allows me to come to a more knowing and just conclusion. 

And that conclusion is this: It is essential that bakers just make the cake. If not for couples who live in big cities and are afforded the luxury of finding a cake store with more forward-thinking owners. It’s for old Jimmy Lee and Bobby Ray who live in semi-rural Oklahoma. It might be that their lousy town — and it is a lousy town. Even if I’ve never been, I can assure you that this town sucks — only has a Walmart by which to obtain wedding cake. 

What happens when Jimmy and Bobby Ray walk into the bakery section at the local Walmart Supercenter and pick out a nice NASCAR cake, but Debbie behind the counter won’t spell out “Jimmy Lee and Bobby Ray Forever” because of her “deeply held religious convictions?”

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Wow, there really is NASCAR wedding cake!

A Supreme Court ruling that disallowed that kind of behavior was for Jimmy Ray and Bobby Lee. They needed your help, but you couldn’t be bothered. 

I spoke with Jesus of Nazareth, who is living in St. Paul, Minnesota under an assumed name, Chuy, and working at a gay-owned craft cupcake bakery. It’s a job Jesus has held since freeing the world of a trans-dimensional horde of evil dragons last year. He is cool with this secret identity being revealed in light of Monday’s announcement by the Supreme Court. 

“You know for thousands of years, people have misused my teachings to further their own greed, bigotry and hatred,” Jesus said while gently massaging his eyelids. Behind him stood former Vice President Mike Pence who has been working as a dishwasher at the bakery as a way to atone for what he calls “the wickedness inside me.” 

“This decision today is just beyond the pale,” Jesus continued. “I mean just make the goddamn cake, pardon my French. You know what, just let me say it again: I don’t care if you make cake for gay people. In fact I think it’s a wonderful idea. My Father and the Holy Ghost are likewise OK with it. Cake is awesome and everyone should get a piece.” 

Jesus added that the Holy Ghost was hesitant at first but has “evolved on the issue” because he is fundamentally “a good ghost.” 

As Jesus and I were speaking, Mike Pence became very upset and began to quiver and gently sob.

mike pence
Mike Pence has spent the past year trying to make up for being mean to gay people for years. “It’s me. It’s not them. I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK, Mike,” Jesus said as he comforted his friend. 

“No it’s not,” Pence responded. “This is my fault. I helped make this happen with my hateful rhetoric and false sense of moral superiority. I have unleashed the dragons once again.”

“Now, now, buddy,” Jesus continued in his characteristically soft, comforting tone. “Remember, I slew all the dragons last year. These are just very misguided people who hold some bigoted views. They aren’t dragons.” 

“OK, I’m sorry.”

“It’s OK, Mike. We will work together and help these people see the light.”

After Mike Pence calmed himself and washed the tears from his eyes, we all stepped inside and kicked back with the proprietors of the establishment, Fred and James. We drank coffee and ate a couple of black forrest cupcakes with a buttercream frosting.

“Jesus, I don’t know how you do it,” Fred said as he finished off his second cupcake. “This frosting is simply divine. What’s your secret?” 

“All it takes is love, Fred,” Jesus replied, a corner of his mouth curling upward. “Just a little love.”

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Black Forest cupcake with buttercream frosting, by Jesus of Nazareth.

Legend has it RTJ said FU to NFL

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“NFL been trash,” said el-p when declining to give NFL free song at Superbowl

It was with great joy I read a tweet from my favorite rapper, el-p, regarding his and  Killer Mike’s — the two form Run the Jewels —  declining of a National Football League request to use their song “Legend has it” during this year’s Superbowl.

El-P writes “NFL been trash. they asked for the rights to play legend has it in the stadium during the superbowl. we said no because fuck them. they operate like they’re an indispensable public utility. they aren’t. they are gone with the flip of a channel. fuuuuuuck you.”

Good on you guys. I was going to talk about how much I appreciate you having integrity — rappers being kind of notoriously whorish when it comes to appearing in advertisements — but el-p tweeted a little later on that the NFL also wanted to use the song for free. Fuck that noise, Jack. (I feel cognitive dissonance in appreciating that my favorite rappers wouldn’t let the NFL use their song while also feeling disgusted that the NFL wouldn’t pay for it.)

The follow up tweet was also great.

Thursday’s news that the NFL will be punishing players for not standing up for the National Anthem is lame for numerous reasons. Sure, the NFL is a private organization and can do what it wants, but censoring and fining mostly black players — who make the  team owners millions and millions of dollars — seems like something Americans will be collectively cringing about in 20 years. (And good decent folk are cringing about right now.) Not to mention many of these players will suffer terrible injuries and brain damage for the privilege.

The whole thing smacks of racism and pandering to a relatively small group of jerky people who think they are better than everyone else because they can stand up for two minutes and listen to “The Star Spangled Banner.” I for one am cool with doing away with the National Anthem, because it, like saying “Thoughts and Prayers” on Facebook following a mass shooting, allows people to feel superior while not really doing anything.

The same goes for the Pledge of Allegiance. I pay my taxes. I’m allegianced as hell. In any case, this is America. You shouldn’t have to stand up if you don’t want to.

Back to the National Anthem. It’s dated, and the guy who wrote it, Francis Scott Key, was a slave owner. (As a lawyer, he sometimes represented slaves, according to the Baltimore Sun, but let’s not muddy the waters. Anyway, he also represented slave owners.)

FSK
Hi, I’m Francis and I owned slaves and shit. I also wrote one song.

Aside from being written by a slave owner and containing a passage bashing on slaves who fought against the United States, “The Star Spangled Banner” is also a bitch to sing. As a journalist who has covered way too many Labor Day festivals, city council meetings, sporting events and other goings-on that begin with the song, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard some sweet-faced teenage girl fail to hit the high note on “Rockets Red Glare.” It can be ear-shattering and makes one ponder how this girl made it this far with no one telling her she can’t sing. It’s sad, really.

So I propose we change the National Anthem to “Kick out the Jams,” by MC5. There are no high notes, and I love the thought of sweet-faced teenage girls who can’t sing yelling out “Kick out the Jams, Motherfuckers!” at high school softball games.

In my perfect America, you can stand, you jump up and dance, you can take a knee or you can stay seated and yell out “Kick out the Jams sucks!” It’s all good, baby.

MC5
Ladies and Gentlemen, please stand, or not, for our National Anthem.

I’m not a polar bear: A tirade in 3 acts

polar
I’m not a polar bear

I

Point Barrow, Alaska — A polar bear lashed out at the media during a press conference on Tuesday that was called to address the tape recording that surfaced last week of the animal bragging about his prowess as a seal eater to an arctic fox ahead of a broadcast of Arctic Fox and Friends.

No one was at all surprised to discover that a polar bear eats seals, and interest in the story grew solely because the bear has so vehemently denied that he eats seals.

“Really, it’s just kind of weird that a bear would lie about something this obvious,” said a walrus that asked not to be identified.

The press conference featured a contentious exchange between the bear and a snowy owl who is a reporter with the the Daily Arctic Observer. The bear accused the owl of being a member of a “cabal of elite liberal media owls obsessed with making me look bad.”

A partial transcript of the exchange has been reprinted here.

“Mr. Bear, can you address why you are denying that you eat seals, even though everyone knows bears eat seals, and no one has a problem with bears eating seals?”

“I don’t eat seals.”

“Mr. Bear, you are clearly heard in the tape recording saying that you do in fact eat seals. You at one point say quote ‘I am the greatest seal eater in the history of the arctic circle. No one eats more seals than I do.’ End quote. Is it not usual for a polar bear to eat seals? Why the steadfast denial?”

“This is obviously more liberal arctic media fake news. I have never eaten seals. And if I did, I would always get permission. I wouldn’t just go gobbling up seals without their consent. And I don’t eat seals.”

“Sir, I …”

“I’m done talking to you. You aren’t a real reporter. In fact, you look like a snowy owl to me.”

“Uh, I am a snowy owl. I think maybe you are taking this the wrong way, Mr. Bear, but isn’t it normal for polar bears to eat seals? We still aren’t sure why you are denying you eat seals.”

“I don’t eat seals. And I’m not a polar bear.”

“Uh, sir, clearly you are a polar bear.”

“No, I’m not. You’re a polar bear.”

“No, I’m a snowy owl. You are a polar bear.”

“That’s just like a liberal media owl. You insinuate that just because I weigh 1,500 pounds, am covered in white fur and eat seals that …”

“So you admit that you eat seals.”

“Damn it. That’s not what I meant. You tricked me into saying that. You dirty polar bear.”

“Again, sir. I’m a snowy owl. You are a polar bear.”

“Rar.”

[The polar bear produces a seal from behind the podium and begins eating it.]

“Mr. Bear, you are eating a seal right now.”

“I’m not a polar bear. I’m a seal.”

“Sir…”

“This press conference is over.”

 

penguin-polarbear
I’m still not a polar bear

II

A polar bear who last year denied he was a polar bear has again lashed out against the media following the publication of a book “Fire and Furry” that raises questions regarding the polar bear’s mental stability.

The author, an arctic fox, defended himself against allegations by the polar bear that the book is a “work of fiction,” particularly a segment that detailed a contentious exchange between the bear and a reporter with the Daily Arctic Observer during which he denied he was a polar bear.

“TPress conference never happened,” the polar bear wrote on his Twitter account @ImNotAPolarBear. “It’s another attempt by the liberal snowy owl media to paint me as a polar bear, which I’m not and have never been. Losers! … Lots of people are saying I’m not a polar bear. Even more are saying I’m a very furry genius!!”

The bear sent out a second tweet with no explanation that said “Any allegations by dumbass reindeers are untrue! #MakeItRein!!!”

The press conference was recorded and widely reported, but that has not stopped the bear’s press team from denying that the press conference happened. On Tuesday, the bear’s press secretary, a snowshoe hare, attacked the arctic fox and appeared to double down on the assertion that polar bear is not a polar bear.

A portion of the press conference is reprinted here:

“I mean it’s just obvious that there is an inherent bias in the liberal arctic press, and no one can deny that. Also, the polar bear denies any of the allegations made in this piece of trash book, particularly that he is, in fact, a polar bear,” the hare said. “I’ll take some questions now, although I’m sure they will be awful.”

“Snowy Owl, Daily Arctic Observer,” a snowy owl began.

“Oh no, not you. Next reporter.”

“Uh, I am a member of the working arctic press, and I’m credentialed to be in the polar press pool, I have a question, Ms. Hare —“

“Yeah, I’m not a snowshoe hare, and I don’t know how you got that idea.”

“Oh my, are we going to do this again?”

“Doing what again?”

“Ma’am, last year Mr. Bear denied he was a polar bear for reasons that are still terribly unclear, and now you are denying that you are a snowshoe hare, when it is abundantly clear that you are, in fact, a snowshoe hare. What is the long game in taking this tack?”

“You’re a snowshoe hare.”

The snowy owl threw up its wings in exasperation. The hare snickered. All of a sudden, the polar bear emerged from the door in the back of the room. He appeared to be dressed in a penguin suit.

“Rar, I’m a penguin,” he announced to the room.

“Sir, has it occurred to you that it’s not helping your case that you are mentally stable when you deny you are a polar bear and are dressed as a penguin,” the snowy owl asked, mostly rhetorically.

“You’re a polar bear!”

“Sir, there are no penguins in the arctic.”

“Fake news!” The bear and hare yelled in unison.

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I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that I’m not a polar bear.

III

A polar bear who has repeatedly denied that he is a polar bear has lashed out against a stand up comedian who, during the Arctic Circle Press Correspondents Dinner on Saturday, took multiple shots at the bear’s claims.

The bear announced on his twitter account @ImNotAPolarBear that the comedian, a wolf, had crossed the line when she joked during her monologue that the bear is, in fact, a bear.

“I’ve said multiple times that I’M NOT A POLAR BEAR but #FakeArcticNews continues to lie. Also, wolf not funny, total hack!!!! Worst correspondents monologue ever,” the bear said.

The bear has on multiple occasions denied it is a polar bear, even though it is off white, weighs 1,500 pounds, has lots of sharp teeth and claws and has been photographed on multiple occasions in the company of other polar bears. When reached for comment on Wednesday, the bear said “Fake News. I’m not a Polar Bear. You’re a Polar Bear.”

The wolf also joked about the bear’s press secretary, a snowshoe hare, and a majority of the jokes involved snowshoe hares not actually wearing snowshoes. While the correspondents dinner has generated controversy in the past —  the Alaskan malamute monologue is a notable example — some members of the arctic media say the wolf’s comments went too far.

“Really, we are all here to celebrate the First Amendment and joke about the sometimes contentious relationship between the arctic press and the polar bear,” said a snowy owl reporter who has been in several past heated exchanges with the bear.

“This really goes beyond the pale,” the owl said. “It’s never OK to make fun of a snowshoe hare not having any snowshoes, even if it’s true.”

Numerous journalists were quick to criticize the snowy owl’s comments, among them a fat, facetious black bear from Colorado who appears to have gotten lost and ended up in the arctic.

“It’s ironic that a journalist, in this case a snowy owl, would stand up for an snowshoe hare who has gone out of the way to lie to the public and constantly attack the Arctic Press,” the black bear said. “I mean, come on, the polar bear is a polar bear. It’s so obvious. Why is this even up for debate?”

During a campaign speech inside an igloo that coincided with the correspondents’ dinner, the polar bear lashed out at the arctic media and made numerous unsubstantiated and false claims, mostly about seals.

The bear spent nearly three hours saying one sentence that never appeared to end and was mostly about how he is not a polar bear.

“Let me tell you, the fake Arctic news, they love, and their are a lot of them here,” the bear said, pointing at the rear of the igloo. “They will love to tell you, and there are a lot of them, believe me. They will tell you I’m a Polar Bear, but it’s just not true. I’m not a Polar Bear. You’re a Polar Bear.”

An open letter from the National Chivalry Association

Yo, like I spent a lot on this cool sword, and this armor wasn’t cheap, so it’s not cool to get shot by some peasant.

We, the Knights of the National Chivalry Association, do hereby pen this open letter to all royalty to express our extreme opposition to the use of a dastardly new weapon recently seen on the glorious field of battle.

It would seem that some nefarious forces, very possibly toiling in the black service of Lucifer, have invented a new arm that utilizes fire. For simplicity, we will refer to these demonic machines as “firearms.”

We believe it to be in the interest of full disclosure to note that while we are penning this letter in Anno Domini 1521, it does appear to have been written by someone in the 21st century. Our useless scribe appears to have majored in professional writing and, get this, minored in film and utterly neglected learning how to write like Chaucer. So thou wilt have to let art flow over thyself.

Anyway, we the Merry Knights of the NCA do hereby lodge our formal complaint and humbly beg of the Kings of the Realms of Europe and Abroad to forbid the use of firearms on the field of battle for they are a COWARDLY WAY TO WAGE THE SACRED ART OF WAR. (We capitalized the last passage to assure readers of our serious intent. We hope that in the coming centuries, CAPITALIZING ENTIRE WORDS AND PASSAGES will be used by smart people to express themselves effectively.)

We digress. As Super Awesome Knights, we spend years and sometimes decades learning how to Knight properly. Our training includes mastery of horseback riding, use of swords, maces, axes and those long things one uses for jousting.

It’s a lot of work, so one can imagine our dismay when we sink our entire lives into learning the Craft of Chivalry only to be cut down in one’s prime by some low-rent schmuck with an arquebus. Our shining armor is also not cheap, so we hope one can understand how lame it is when some half-trained nervous peasant shaking behind a firearm shoots a hole in it.

Remember me next time you want to lay off your serfs, Sir Douche-a-lot.

We urge Kings the world over to consider an outright ban on firearms. As Knights, our years of disciplined training allows us to temper our passions and conduct ourselves in a noble and just manner. Should these beastly firearms become widely available among the serfs, what is to stop one of them from slaying scores of people because he had a bad day?

Furthermore, what’s to stop the commoners, now armed with a device that can fell a mighty Knight, to overthrow their King? To prevent this, the nobility would have to build even bigger firearms. One day, they might build a firearm so large that its ghastly flame would engulf us all.

We just think this is perhaps a road best left untraveled. Should this new trend of deadly weapons for the unshaven, knuckle-dragging peasantry continue unabated, chivalry, for all intents and purposes, will be dead.

We think that totally sucks.

Seriously? We have to argue about Confederate statues? Really?

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So yeah, I was a really bad person and I don’t deserve a statue.

I love telling a person regaling me with tales of his or her brave Confederate ancestors that my great, great, great uncle/grandfather/whoever was a part of Sherman’s March. That’s when northern troops rampaged through South Carolina and Georgia and burned everything in their path. Bringing that up always ends the conversation. It’s great.

Side note: General William Tecumseh Sherman took this philosophy of total war and used it on the Native Americans, so my bosom isn’t exactly swelling with pride recounting this.

Anyway, I suppose people like to be proud of their ancestors. I, for one, was overjoyed when I learned one of my forebearers played piano in a St. Louis whorehouse, and a few others, also in Missouri, sold cheap horses and lousy bullets to the Confederacy.

But I digress. I’ve been perturbed by the backlash against removing Confederate statues, especially people who claim that such monuments are nothing more than “Southern Pride.” Why are we even having this argument in 2017? Never mind, don’t answer that.

I was a huge Civil War buff when I was 10-years-old. I dragged family members to reenactments, read Shelby Foote books and made hard tack for some inexplicable reason. The Confederates fascinated me, in part because, even as a small child, I had little respect for authority. (That’s worked out well.) An entire country of rebels appealed to me.

 I was overjoyed when I finally got to watch Ken Burns’ PBS documentary about the Civil War. Several hours in, the narrator talked about “The Battle of the Crater” when hundreds of Union Solders, caught in a pit formed by a large mine, were massacred. Well, some of them were massacred, and the rebel soldiers laid out who that was in seven words:

“Spare the white man, kill the nigger.”

Any romantic notions I had about the Confederacy died. Good riddance.

And now we have to litigate whether or not to keep up statues of people who fought to keep slavery legal and the flag they flew. If I could figure this out when I was 10, full grown adults should be able to as well. Sigh.

Part of the problem is that the Confederate Battle Flag is cool looking, and most of these people don’t look past that. You could make the argument that a swastika is cool looking, too, but you don’t see too many Germans with one on their belt buckle. (If you are about to say, “Well, John, the swastika is actually an ancient Tibetan …” just don’t. Please, just shut up. Thank you.)

Solution: All you Southern Pride folks should lose the Stars and Bars and get a Mexican flag for your pickup . It features an eagle killing a snake. That’s unassailably cool, and it doesn’t celebrate the subjugation of black people. Also, you’ll have a nice conversation starter with all those immigrants you profess to hate.

And put the statues in a museum. Where they belong.