POINT BARROW, Alaska — A polar bear lashed out at the media during a news conference Tuesday that was called to address the tape recording that surfaced last week of the animal bragging about his prowess as a seal eater to an Arctic fox ahead of a broadcast of Arctic Fox and Friends.
No one was at all surprised to discover that a polar bear eats seals, and interest in the story grew solely because the bear has so vehemently denied that he eats seals.
“Really, it’s just kind of weird that a bear would lie about something this obvious,” said a walrus who asked not to be identified.
The news conference featured a contentious exchange between the bear and a snowy owl who is a reporter with the Daily Arctic Observer. The bear accused the owl of being a member of a “cabal of elite liberal media owls obsessed with making me look bad.”
A partial transcript of the exchange has been reprinted here.
“Mr. Bear, can you address why you are denying that you eat seals, even though everyone knows bears eat seals, and no one has a problem with bears eating seals?”
“I don’t eat seals.”
“Mr. Bear, you are clearly heard in the tape recording saying that you do in fact eat seals. You at one point say, quote, ‘I am the greatest seal eater in the history of the Arctic Circle. No one eats more seals than I do.’ End quote. Is it not usual for a polar bear to eat seals? Why the steadfast denial?”
“This is obviously more liberal Arctic media fake news. I have never eaten seals. And if I did, I would always get permission. I wouldn’t just go gobbling up seals without their consent. And I don’t eat seals.”
“Sir, I …”
“I’m done talking to you. You aren’t a real reporter. In fact, you look like a snowy owl to me.”
“Uh, I am a snowy owl. I think maybe you are taking this the wrong way, Mr. Bear, but isn’t it normal for polar bears to eat seals? We still aren’t sure why you are denying you eat seals.”
“I don’t eat seals. And I’m not a polar bear.”
“Uh, sir, clearly you are a polar bear.”
“No, I’m not. You’re a polar bear.”
“No, I’m a snowy owl. You are a polar bear.”
“That’s just like a liberal media owl. You insinuate that just because I weigh 1,500 pounds, am covered in white fur and eat seals that …”
“So you admit that you eat seals.”
“Damn it. That’s not what I meant. You tricked me into saying that. You dirty polar bear.”
“Again, sir. I’m a snowy owl. You are a polar bear.”
The polar bear produces a seal from behind the podium and begins eating it.
“Mr. Bear, you are eating a seal right now.”
“I’m not a polar bear. I’m a seal.”
“This press conference is over.”