Good Christian Folk: Rejoice!
The United States Supreme Court today — by ruling that bakers don’t have to sell cakes to same sex couples — affirmed your values. Keep you heads high and beam with pride. Feel the love of your Father shine down upon you.
Don’t feel sad, brother or sister, when people call you Christian Fascist, Bigot, A Detriment to the Advancement of Humanity or, quite simply, a Not Very Nice Person. You know you believed the right thing. The Lake of Fire awaits those who feel otherwise.
I recall a janitor at a newspaper I worked at in Oklahoma. He was a portly fellow, with crooked teeth in the advance stages of decay. He was disgusting, really, and he was in a longterm, loving relationship with another fellow who was equally fat, gross and soon-to-be missing most of his teeth through dental neglect. It was beautiful.
I was slow coming around on the gay wedding cake thing. When the issue first came up, my response was “Just go to another bakery.” Sometimes my initial reaction is a little off, and I engage in what I like to call thinking which allows me to come to a more knowing and just conclusion.
And that conclusion is this: It is essential that bakers just make the cake. If not for couples who live in big cities and are afforded the luxury of finding a cake store with more forward-thinking owners. It’s for old Jimmy Lee and Bobby Ray who live in semi-rural Oklahoma. It might be that their lousy town — and it is a lousy town. Even if I’ve never been, I can assure you that this town sucks — only has a Walmart by which to obtain wedding cake.
What happens when Jimmy and Bobby Ray walk into the bakery section at the local Walmart Supercenter and pick out a nice NASCAR cake, but Debbie behind the counter won’t spell out “Jimmy Lee and Bobby Ray Forever” because of her “deeply held religious convictions?”
A Supreme Court ruling that disallowed that kind of behavior was for Jimmy Ray and Bobby Lee. They needed your help, but you couldn’t be bothered.
I spoke with Jesus of Nazareth, who is living in St. Paul, Minnesota under an assumed name, Chuy, and working at a gay-owned craft cupcake bakery. It’s a job Jesus has held since freeing the world of a trans-dimensional horde of evil dragons last year. He is cool with this secret identity being revealed in light of Monday’s announcement by the Supreme Court.
“You know for thousands of years, people have misused my teachings to further their own greed, bigotry and hatred,” Jesus said while gently massaging his eyelids. Behind him stood former Vice President Mike Pence who has been working as a dishwasher at the bakery as a way to atone for what he calls “the wickedness inside me.”
“This decision today is just beyond the pale,” Jesus continued. “I mean just make the goddamn cake, pardon my French. You know what, just let me say it again: I don’t care if you make cake for gay people. In fact I think it’s a wonderful idea. My Father and the Holy Ghost are likewise OK with it. Cake is awesome and everyone should get a piece.”
Jesus added that the Holy Ghost was hesitant at first but has “evolved on the issue” because he is fundamentally “a good ghost.”
As Jesus and I were speaking, Mike Pence became very upset and began to quiver and gently sob.
“It’s OK, Mike,” Jesus said as he comforted his friend.
“No it’s not,” Pence responded. “This is my fault. I helped make this happen with my hateful rhetoric and false sense of moral superiority. I have unleashed the dragons once again.”
“Now, now, buddy,” Jesus continued in his characteristically soft, comforting tone. “Remember, I slew all the dragons last year. These are just very misguided people who hold some bigoted views. They aren’t dragons.”
“OK, I’m sorry.”
“It’s OK, Mike. We will work together and help these people see the light.”
After Mike Pence calmed himself and washed the tears from his eyes, we all stepped inside and kicked back with the proprietors of the establishment, Fred and James. We drank coffee and ate a couple of black forrest cupcakes with a buttercream frosting.
“Jesus, I don’t know how you do it,” Fred said as he finished off his second cupcake. “This frosting is simply divine. What’s your secret?”
“All it takes is love, Fred,” Jesus replied, a corner of his mouth curling upward. “Just a little love.”