The Tiny Hand: A Tirade about the Girl Scouts of America

An insidious organized crime family has taken over street corners across the country. Its members strike fear into the heart of this columnist. They are a scourge. They are ruthless. They are 5 feet tall.

I’m talking, of course, about the Girl Scouts of America and their nefarious cookie racket. The Tiny Hand (mafia joke).

The following are excerpts from actual tirades. In order to stay in line with my take on reality, they are mostly fictional. The resigned bemusement of my girlfriend is real. Yes, I have a problem with cute 8-year-olds.

gsa.jpg

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“There they are, the little bastards,” I grumbled as I drove north on Colorado Boulevard toward brunch.

“Who?” my girlfriend asked.

“Who do you think? Girl Scouts. They set up in front of stores, and you can’t get inside.”

“Oh my god, you are so grumpy!”

“You know, I got threatened by one once.”

“Uh-huh,” she said, retreating into her Snapchat.

“Yeah, I was walking into a Wal-Mart in Alamogordo and a Girl Scout asked me if I wanted to buy a box.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“So I said, ‘No, I’m here to buy groceries.’ She said, ‘Gee, it seems like it would be hard to shop with a broke arm.'”

“That didn’t happen, John.”

“I swear to god.”

“No.”gsa2.jpg

“Hand to Jesus?”

“Nope.”

“Fine. Don’t believe me.”

“OK.”

We parked on a side street and walked to our trendy brunch location on Colfax Avenue. There was quite a wait, so we took our seats on a bench in front of the restaurant. Within minutes, two more smock-clad foot soldiers set up a card table and started slinging boxes of cookies. We briefly discussed the ethics of a Girl Scout troop setting up shop in front of a marijuana dispensary.

I resumed.

“It’s just, like, why can’t they go door to door like when I was a kid?” I asked no one in particular.

“Because you were a kid in the 1940s, haha,” my girlfriend replied. She is 13 years my junior, so old jokes please her immensely.

“Haha. You still didn’t answer me.”

“Because there are serial killers, and kids can’t go door to door anymore.”

“Ugh, the world is going to hell. Still. They bug me.”

“You are such a grouch.”

I muttered something unintelligible. I crossed my arms across my chest. I glanced over at the card table. My eyes narrowed.

“I’ll be right back,” I said, walking to the table.

“Yes, sir,” a sandy-haired girl of about 9 said.

“Yeah, give me a box of Samoas, please.”

“That will be $4.”

I produced my wallet and handed her a 10-dollar bill. She put the bill into a shoebox and started to make change. She paused, looked up at me.

“You sure you don’t want two boxes,” she asked.

I smiled.

“No, just the one box will be fine.”

She handed me my $6 in change. I smiled. That’s how they get you.

A polar bear walks into a press conference …

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POINT BARROW, Alaska — A polar bear lashed out at the media during a news conference Tuesday that was called to address the tape recording that surfaced last week of the animal bragging about his prowess as a seal eater to an Arctic fox ahead of a broadcast of Arctic Fox and Friends.

No one was at all surprised to discover that a polar bear eats seals, and interest in the story grew solely because the bear has so vehemently denied that he eats seals.

“Really, it’s just kind of weird that a bear would lie about something this obvious,” said a walrus who asked not to be identified.

The news conference featured a contentious exchange between the bear and a snowy owl who is a reporter with the Daily Arctic Observer. The bear accused the owl of being a member of a “cabal of elite liberal media owls obsessed with making me look bad.”

A partial transcript of the exchange has been reprinted here.

“Mr. Bear, can you address why you are denying that you eat seals, even though everyone knows bears eat seals, and no one has a problem with bears eating seals?”

“I don’t eat seals.”

“Mr. Bear, you are clearly heard in the tape recording saying that you do in fact eat seals. You at one point say, quote, ‘I am the greatest seal eater in the history of the Arctic Circle. No one eats more seals than I do.’ End quote. Is it not usual for a polar bear to eat seals? Why the steadfast denial?”

“This is obviously more liberal Arctic media fake news. I have never eaten seals. And if I did, I would always get permission. I wouldn’t just go gobbling up seals without their consent. And I don’t eat seals.”

“Sir, I …”

“I’m done talking to you. You aren’t a real reporter. In fact, you look like a snowy owl to me.”

“Uh, I am a snowy owl. I think maybe you are taking this the wrong way, Mr. Bear, but isn’t it normal for polar bears to eat seals? We still aren’t sure why you are denying you eat seals.”

“I don’t eat seals. And I’m not a polar bear.”

“Uh, sir, clearly you are a polar bear.”

“No, I’m not. You’re a polar bear.”

“No, I’m a snowy owl. You are a polar bear.”

“That’s just like a liberal media owl. You insinuate that just because I weigh 1,500 pounds, am covered in white fur and eat seals that …”

“So you admit that you eat seals.”

“Damn it. That’s not what I meant. You tricked me into saying that. You dirty polar bear.”

“Again, sir. I’m a snowy owl. You are a polar bear.”

“Rar.”

The polar bear produces a seal from behind the podium and begins eating it.

“Mr. Bear, you are eating a seal right now.”

“I’m not a polar bear. I’m a seal.”

“Sir…”

“This press conference is over.”