Hello, welcome to your automated mental health help line. Before we begin, we need some information from you.
If you are experiencing auditory hallucinations of a religious nature, press one.
If you are experiencing an implant in your head that was placed there by some sinister organization, cabal or secret society, press two.
If you are depressed because your job is not fulfilling, but you don’t really know what else to do with your life, press three.
You have selected three. If that is correct, press 1. If that is incorrect, press 2.
OK, you have selected “Depressed because you job is not fulfilling, but you don’t really know what else to do with your life.” We are sorry you are experiencing existential anxiety. In order to help you better, please enter your insurance ID number.
You have entered *654123987* If that is correct, press 1. If that is incorrect, press 2.
Great, just out of curiosity, is this automated mental health help line making you feel better? Press 1 for yes and Press 2 for no.
We are sorry to hear that. Maybe you should go get help somewhere else. If you would like to — hold on, we just got your insurance information. Oh, looks like you have high deductible insurance that is essentially useless. If this makes you sad, Press 1. If you stopped caring 10 minutes ago and life is beginning to feel like an endless horror show, press 2.
You have selected mashing the keyboard. OK, I have a few more questions. Are you experiencing suicidal ideations but without any concrete plan to do yourself or others harm? Press one.
Do you feel like jumping in front of a train right now? Press two.
You have selected 2. If that is correct, press 2.
[Literally a 30 second loop of muzak for 20 minutes]
Hello, you have reached a live operator because you have indicated that you would like to jump in front of a train. I’m sorry, but I’m not available to answer the phone right now. If you would like to leave a message, press one now.